My Spouse Tells Me to Ignore the Comments From Their Family, but They’re Made in Front of Our Kids

Picture this: it’s a lovely Sunday afternoon, and the air is thick with the smell of freshly baked cookies. You’re all gathered around the table, kids giggling, and then—bam!—someone from your spouse’s family drops a comment that feels like a lead balloon. Maybe it’s a jab about your parenting style, or a not-so-subtle dig about your career choices. Your spouse tells you to brush it off, but those words hang heavy in the air, especially when the kids are listening. What do you do?

a man holding a wine glass in his hand

Why Comments Matter, Especially Around Kids

Let’s be honest: family dynamics can be as tricky as walking a tightrope. On one hand, you want to keep the peace and support your spouse. On the other, you’re acutely aware that your kids are soaking in every word like little sponges. When relatives throw out comments, it’s not just about you—it’s about how those comments shape your kids’ understanding of respect, boundaries, and family values.

Kids are always watching. They notice how you react, and they learn from it. If they see you brushing off hurtful comments, they might think it’s okay to let disrespect slide. But if you respond assertively, they’ll learn the importance of standing up for themselves and their loved ones. It’s a fine balance, and it can feel like you’re navigating a minefield.

Understanding Your Spouse’s Perspective

Your spouse might genuinely believe that ignoring the comments is the right approach. Maybe they’ve been conditioned to shrug off family remarks, or they want to avoid confrontation at all costs. It’s important to understand their perspective—after all, they’ve grown up in this family and have their own history with these dynamics.

However, it’s crucial to communicate openly about your feelings. Try to express that while you respect their wishes, you’re also concerned about the impact these comments may have on your children. A simple “I want to support you, but I also want our kids to feel secure and respected” can go a long way in opening up a dialogue.

Finding Your Voice

So, how do you find your voice in these situations? First, it’s all about framing your response. Instead of confronting the commenter head-on, which might escalate the situation, consider a calm, assertive reply that sets the tone without creating drama. Something like, “I appreciate your thoughts, but I’m really focusing on a different approach with the kids,” can allow you to stand your ground without igniting a family feud.

It’s also helpful to have a plan in place with your spouse for when these moments arise. Having a little code word or signal can help you both navigate tricky waters together. Maybe it’s a subtle hand squeeze or a shared look that says, “Let’s talk about this later.” This way, you’re both on the same page, and the kids won’t see you at odds with each other.

Modeling Respectful Communication

When it comes to kids, modeling behavior is everything. If you want them to know how to handle conflict with grace, you’ve got to show them how it’s done. After a family gathering, take time to discuss the comments with your spouse and then talk with your kids. Explain why certain comments might not be okay and reinforce the idea that it’s perfectly fine to stand up for oneself.

Encourage your kids to express their feelings, too. If they felt uncomfortable hearing something directed at you, give them space to share their thoughts. This not only validates their feelings but also teaches them that it’s okay to speak up when something doesn’t sit right.

Setting Boundaries with Family

It’s also perfectly acceptable to set boundaries with family members. If certain comments become a recurring theme, it may be time to have a candid conversation with the family member involved—preferably when you’re not in the heat of the moment. Approach it with empathy, but be clear about how their words affect you and your family. Most people appreciate honesty, even if it’s a little uncomfortable.

Remember, it’s not about cutting ties; it’s about preserving your family’s well-being. A little honesty can go a long way in creating a healthier environment for everyone involved.

Wrapping It Up

At the end of the day, navigating comments from your spouse’s family can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re trying to protect your kids from negativity. It’s a delicate dance of standing your ground while supporting your partner.

Willow and Hearth