At first, it looks like nothing. You tell your kid, “Shoes stay by the door,” and five minutes later, Grandma has gently moved them to the hallway “so nobody trips.” You say, “No dessert tonight,” and suddenly there’s a little bowl of fruit “because it’s healthy, sweetie.”
It’s not explosive, not obviously malicious, and that’s what makes it so maddening. It’s parenting-by-undo button, delivered with a smile. And when you bring it up, you get the classic line: she’s “just more experienced,” as if years automatically equal authority in your house.
The quiet redo: why it hits harder than a direct disagreement
If your mother-in-law openly argued with you, you’d know where you stand. You could address it in the moment, make a clear boundary, and move on. But the quiet redo is sneakier, because it happens behind your back or in the soft spaces between moments.
It also carries a message your kids understand even if they can’t say it: “Mom or Dad’s rules are optional.” That’s a big deal. Consistency is basically the secret ingredient of calm households, and this kind of undermining scrapes it right out of the recipe.
“I’m more experienced” sounds harmless… until it isn’t
Experience can be a gift. A grandparent who’s been there can offer patience, perspective, and the kind of weirdly specific wisdom like, “Don’t buy the toy with glitter unless you want to find it in your socks three months later.”
But “I’m more experienced” can also be a power move in a cardigan. It implies your decisions are novice choices that need correcting. And it quietly frames you as the temporary manager while she’s the permanent CEO.
How kids interpret the mixed signals (and why they act out)
Kids don’t just follow rules; they follow the social map of who matters. When Grandma contradicts you, they don’t think, “Ah, a difference in parenting philosophy.” They think, “Wait, whose answer counts?”
That confusion tends to show up as bargaining, stalling, whining, or suddenly needing to ask Grandma every question. It’s not that your kids are being “bad.” They’re doing what any of us would do when two authority figures hand out different policies: shopping for the best deal.
The invisible cost: you end up being the “mean one”
When a grandparent swoops in to soften every limit, you’re left holding the hard parts of parenting. You’re the one saying no, ending screen time, enforcing bedtime, and insisting on veggies. Meanwhile, Grandma gets to be the magical dispenser of yes.
It’s a short road from “Grandma’s nicer” to “Mom’s unfair,” and that stings even when you know it’s not personal. It can also create resentment in your relationship, because it’s exhausting to co-parent with someone who didn’t sign up to be a co-parent but acts like one anyway.
Why some MILs do this (hint: it’s not always about you)
Sometimes it’s control, plain and simple. Some people struggle when they’re not the primary decision-maker anymore, and “fixing” your choices is how they stay relevant. It’s not polite, but it is common.
Other times it’s anxiety disguised as help. If she’s worried the kids will be upset, cold, hungry, overtired, bored, or mildly inconvenienced, she may rush in to make the discomfort disappear. The problem is that a lot of parenting is teaching kids to handle small discomforts without someone immediately rescuing them.
What actually helps: getting specific about the “redo moments”
If you want this to change, “Stop undermining me” is accurate but too broad. People get defensive, and then you’re stuck debating intent instead of behavior. It helps more to name the pattern and give clear examples: “When I say no dessert and you offer an alternative sweet right after, it confuses them and makes it harder for me the next day.”
Also, pick the non-negotiables. You don’t need a 40-page policy manual. You need a short list of house rules that stay consistent no matter who’s in the room: safety, sleep, food boundaries, discipline approach, and screen time tend to be the big ones.
A phrase that works surprisingly well: “Please back me up in the moment”
One of the cleanest ways to frame it is as a teamwork request, not a character critique. Try something like, “I really want the kids to know the adults are on the same team. If you disagree, can you back me up in the moment and bring it to me later?” It’s hard to argue with “unity,” and it gives her a dignified off-ramp.
If she says she’s more experienced, you can keep it simple: “You do have experience, and I’m glad the kids have you. But I’m their parent, and I need you to follow our rules in our home.” Calm voice, steady eye contact, no long explanation that becomes a debate invitation.
What to do in real time when she’s already undoing you
In the moment, short and boring is best. “Actually, we’re sticking with what I said.” Then redirect: “Thanks, though.” You’re not asking permission; you’re setting the standard.
If she continues, you can escalate without drama: “I’ve got it.” Or, “Please don’t change that after I’ve decided.” If it keeps happening, it’s okay to change the setup—less unsupervised time during high-conflict routines (bedtime and meals are the usual suspects) until trust rebuilds.
Where your partner fits in (and why this can’t be all on you)
If this is your partner’s mom, your partner’s voice matters a lot. Kids should see you as united, and your MIL is more likely to hear boundaries as “family rules” rather than “my in-law’s preferences.” Ideally, your partner says it directly: “Mom, don’t override us. If we say no, it’s no.”
This doesn’t need to be a big dramatic showdown. It can be a calm, repeated message that becomes boringly consistent—kind of like the parenting you’re trying to do in the first place.
When it’s time to tighten boundaries
If she keeps redoing things after you’ve been clear, it stops being a misunderstanding and starts being a choice. And choices have consequences. That might look like shorter visits, visits in public places, or taking a break from routines where undermining causes the most chaos.
The goal isn’t punishment; it’s clarity. Kids do best when the adults act like adults, and that includes grandparents respecting that loving your grandkids doesn’t mean running the household.
More from Willow and Hearth:
Leave a Reply